


Slow Down

by elyndys



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-29
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-02 22:53:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8686504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elyndys/pseuds/elyndys
Summary: “We went on holiday together to Ibiza in July with our families. He told me about it when we were there. At the time, he hadn’t fully decided, but my feeling is that he was almost there. My feeling was that he was right and I couldn’t advise him differently."





	1. Baby won't you talk with me

It’s siesta time. The kids are asleep in Felipe’s room, with their mums. Lucy and Raffa might be taking a nap too, or reading, or chatting over coffee on the balcony, enjoying the view of the palm trees, the beach, the clear blue water of the Mediterranean. It’s beautiful here, and Rob is blissfully happy and relaxed, cocooned away from the pressures and scrutiny of their working lives.

He and Felipe are in his room, and they’re not asleep, though Rob feels like he easily could be soon. It’s a little bit funny, or a little bit sad, that this is how they’re happy to spend their holidays now, quietly, pottering around and taking it easy and lazing around like this in the afternoons. Ten years ago, when they first knew each other, they could - and would, frequently - do so much more, of everything. Drink more, stay up later, have more, and more energetic, sex. Rob finds a smile curling his lips even now when he remembers. But this is fine, more than fine, it’s perfect for them now. Things change, but you change with them, and Rob has everything he wants, and things he didn’t even know he wanted back then. He looks down at Felipe, lying close beside him, peaceful and eyes closed, and Rob thinks he’s the luckiest man on the planet. He doesn’t know what on earth he did to deserve everything he has, but he makes sure to take time to appreciate it every day he can. And on days like today, when everything is so close and his heart feels so full and everything just feels so complete, it’s so easy to look around and realise just how fortunate he really is.

“I love you,” he whispers, because if nothing else, his life has taught him you have to say it whenever you have the chance. He never gets tired of hearing it, so he never holds back from saying it either.

Felipe opens his eyes and gives Rob a wide, sweet smile. “I love you too,” he murmurs. “That was nice,” he says, with a twinkly, satisfied grin. “Is always nice,” he clarifies, stretching indulgently and giving Rob a good view of his naked body, smooth and glistening and plenty more tanned than on the first day they were here. Rob never gets bored of looking, or touching, or kissing any part of it - it’s not that opportunities are rare, but usually when they have the chance to sleep in the same bed together, it’s a working weekend, and they don’t have the time or frame of mind to fully enjoy being with each other physically, especially over the past few years. It’s natural for that side of things to take less precedence over time, Rob accepts that, but that also makes it extra special at times like this, when they have the chance to take their time, indulge themselves, focus properly on each other. Ten years ago they might've been so much wilder, more creative, trying all kinds of things, but now they know what works best for both of them, and these days Rob loves it the most when they can take it slow and with the utmost care, appreciate every touch and movement. 

“It was a great idea, coming here,” he says, though he knows he’s said it just about every day they’ve been here. “It’s so nice to just, y’know, do nothing.”

Felipe raises his eyebrows lazily. “I don’t think is nothing, exactly,” he says, with a cheeky giggle. 

Rob chuckles. “Well, for the other twenty-three and a half hours a day,” he says dryly. “I must be getting old, but this is just right for me now.”

“I think so too,” Felipe says, settling against him with a contented sigh. “Is nice to be… calm,” he says, and Rob thinks that’s a good way to describe it. “Not worry about so many things.”

He goes quiet again, but Rob suddenly senses a different atmosphere to his quietness, and he’s seized by the concern that maybe Felipe has been worrying about some things that he hasn’t told Rob about. Yet. 

Rob lies still, feeling his own heartbeat, and waits to see if Felipe will say anything else. There’s a long pause, and Rob is wondering what he might say to coax Felipe into revealing anything that might be troubling him, but eventually, Felipe breaks the silence himself.

“I am thinking,” he says quietly, and Rob finds himself holding his breath. “That maybe this will be my last year in Formula One.”

Rob exhales, trying to find his thoughts. What can he say? He’s not a part of the team’s decision-making, he doesn’t know what he can offer, no reassurance, no answers. But before he can begin to formulate a response, Felipe goes on.

“I think maybe is time for me to retire.”

That makes things a little clearer in Rob’s mind. After all, Felipe has been dealing with the threat - real or perceived - of being without a Formula One seat through no choice of his own for many years of his career. So to have the chance to make the decision for himself… it seems like some kind of justice, to Rob.

“What’s got you thinking about that?” Rob asks softly. He wishes they were having this conversation with their clothes on, because the way they are now feels too intimate for this big a topic. Rob feels like he needs a barrier to hide behind, to protect himself from the weight of it. 

“A lot of things I think,” Felipe says. “Is like you say, maybe I am getting old, but is nice to relax and not do anything, to spend more time with family, to be not so careful with everything.”

“I understand what you mean,” Rob says, trying to choose his words with care, though his thoughts are racing. “You want to settle down,” he says with a faint smile.

“Yes,” Felipe agrees. “Fifteen years is a long time travelling so much all the time.” He pauses, and then gives Rob a smile. “Maybe I buy a house in England, close to you,” he suggests playfully, like he’s trying to lessen the impact of what he’s just said. “Where we can be together sometimes, like this.”

“A love nest,” Rob says, letting himself smile as well. Right now it seems like the most appealing idea in the world. But he can’t help teasing a little. “But you’d never survive an English winter,” he says, chuckling. 

“Well, in winter, you come to Monaco,” Felipe suggests, pleased with himself. 

“That sounds alright,” Rob murmurs. His mind is still swirling, trying to work out exactly how he feels and what he thinks. He supposes he’s been prepared for this moment in a way, as time has gone on and others of Felipe’s generation have faded from F1. Hell, he’s had to consider the possibility of Formula One without Felipe so many times in the past that he’s just glad they’ve made it this far. Glad they’re able to talk about it now, here like this, almost casually, and not three years ago, or even more. And he can absolutely understand the reasons Felipe has given for his thinking. The settled life is very, very appealing. 

But. 

Rob pushes down the thing that’s catching inside him, like a broken nail that bothers him and he can’t ignore. It’s not the time for that now, he can deal with it later. Right now, Felipe needs his support, and Rob wants to give as much as he can.

“Have you told anyone else in the team?” he asks. 

“No, I want to talk about it with you first,” Felipe says. Rob is happy - relieved, even - that even though they're close like this, Felipe still trusts him and his judgement on professional matters too. “You… don't think is a mistake?” he asks timidly, and Rob reaches out to put his arms around him.

“If you feel like it's time, I think you should go with it,” he says honestly. “You've achieved so much. You deserve to enjoy the rest of your life while you're still young. Ish,” he adds wickedly, because he doesn't want to seem too uncharacteristically sombre. 

Felipe giggles, and pokes him in the ribs. “I will think a little more,” he says. “Maybe I discuss it with the team. If they tell me more their plans for next year, maybe we will see, huh?”

Rob can feel him relaxing again in his arms, and it eases the tension in himself as well. He can’t help but feel relieved that Felipe hasn’t pressed him more on the topic, because he doesn’t know what else he’d be able to say. There’s still a lot for him to think about, and a lot of feelings he knows he’ll have to go through, but not now. Not here, not this week. Now is about making the most of everything he has, and enjoying every moment.


	2. You're moving way too fast

It's only a few weeks before Felipe lets him, and the team, know for certain. Rob supposes he'd put off thinking much more about it while it was still just an idea, because he didn't want it hanging over him or over his time with Felipe, but now it's decided, he can't avoid it any longer. Felipe seems almost relieved to have made the decision, and to have the team know as well - now everyone can start to plan for the future.

 

“The car is just not as good,” Felipe sighs. Rob supposes he feels like he owes him the full explanation - maybe even things he couldn’t say to the team. “Is not so much fun. They are not making it better any more this year. And I don’t know what will happen next year. I don’t know if it will be good or bad.” 

 

Neither does Rob, not really. “Sorry,” he says, feeling useless. If the car’s performance is one reason why Felipe doesn’t want to race in F1 anymore, isn’t he partly responsible? That’s what he’s meant to be here for, making sure the car is the best it can be and the drivers can get the most out of it. If they had a car that could win races, Felipe would be fighting a lot harder to stay.

 

Felipe shakes his head, smiling at him. “Is not your fault,” he says, and Rob knows that’s true in a wider sense, because he’s not a designer, he’s only one cog in a big machine. He knows it’s irrational of him to feel guilty. But that doesn’t make him feel any less uncomfortable right now in his role as a representative of The Team, and the possibility of a conflict of its interests with those of the drivers. It’s too fucking familiar and he doesn’t want this to happen all over again, he thought he’d left all that shit behind three years ago. Though he supposes it’s moot now, because Felipe has decided, for himself. 

 

“Anyway, I think maybe this way is better for the team,” Felipe murmurs quietly, like he doesn't want anyone to overhear, even though they're alone together in Rob's hotel room. “Is easier if I choose to go now, so they don't need to decide if they want to keep me or not.” 

 

He's smiling faintly as he says it, but Rob still feels the hurt that must be inside him, because he knows there might be some truth to it. Maybe it’s a relief to the team that Felipe has taken matters into his own hands, because now they don’t have to endure an awkward situation. He doesn't know if the team would admit it if he asked, but he isn't going to, because he doesn't want to know. Felipe might have a lot of knowledge and experience, but how many years would he have left in the sport even if he stayed? If he leaves now, the team can bring in some money. Always more money. Rob doesn't miss much about Ferrari, but the bottomless barrel of funds is something he wishes he could have access to now. If they did, maybe Felipe would be keener to stick around.

 

But on the other hand, having a lot of money doesn't mean you know how to spend it properly. Or maybe they'd both still be at Ferrari. 

 

But maybe not. Rob doesn’t ever regret leaving, on both his own behalf and Felipe’s. But then, since he left there, he’s still always been with Felipe. He took the best thing from Ferrari with him. With no Felipe, will working at Williams start to feel like a more thankless task? He almost doesn’t remember what it feels like to work in an environment with no Felipe in it. The last time he did, they barely even knew each other. Rob wonders if, back then, he could ever have known the depth and breadth of feeling that would come to develop between them. It's hard for him to be certain at this distance, but maybe it's not so much of a surprise - he knows he could feel the possibility, the buds of that attraction, even then, even if he didn't know that they would ever open and bloom. But the bigger surprise, the part that still makes Rob feel that gratitude, that almost disbelieving gratitude as to how he could be so lucky, isn't that he and Felipe fell in love, but that they stayed there, and grew there, and that everything else formed around them. Sometimes when Rob thinks about it, he can’t believe they’ve made it work. Staying together for so long, while working so closely together in the most testing working environment, where a lot of people can’t even stay friends - Rob is pretty proud of them. But what if that’s what was keeping him going? Will it be harder to care, without Felipe being a part of it?

 

Rob doesn’t want to think that way, because he’s a professional, and he’s always worked hard no matter the situation, and God knows they’ve been in some tough ones. If the car is very good, it’ll be easier, he supposes. But if it doesn’t work as well as they hope, Rob wonders if it’ll be more struggle than he’s willing to deal with. 

 

Even as he thinks it, he tries not to, not just because he doesn’t need more uncertainty to be concerned about, but even more because right now it’s Felipe who needs his support, and Rob needs to be there to offer it, and not be preoccupied with his own baseless worries. He has a job in a team who value him, he has opportunities and security. If he’s feeling apprehensive about the future, how must Felipe be feeling?

 

Rob asks him directly, because he wants Felipe to be in no doubt that he can talk to him about anything. The team doesn’t matter. From now on, Rob decides, when they’re together, they’re outside the team completely. Just them.

 

“I feel OK,” Felipe says cautiously. “Is maybe the first time since a long time that I don’t need to worry about my seat next year,” he adds, with a wry smile. He pauses, and Rob waits. “But as well… I don't know yet what I will do,” he says. “I want to race still, but maybe I cannot? And if I cannot race, I don't know what I can do!” 

 

It's the sort of thing they might have joked about, when it wasn’t just a far-off, abstract situation - _daft racing drivers, what else are they good for?_ \- but now Felipe’s expression is serious. Rob can understand why. Of course Felipe’s unsure, maybe even a little afraid. Racing is all he’s ever known or wanted, and the threat of that suddenly no longer being there at all is more than Rob can imagine. He feels ashamed of worrying about his own future and his motivation, because he’ll never be able to fully understand the life of a sportsman like Felipe’s. 

 

But he knows Felipe. Knows what he needs, and moreover, knows what he can do. One thing Rob has always been able to do for Felipe is give him belief in himself, because Rob has plenty of it. 

 

“Felipe, listen,” he says, as frankly as he can. He doesn’t want this to sound like he’s just trying to soothe him with platitudes, out of sympathy or his own affection for Felipe. He means every word sincerely. “You will find something else. Everyone knows how much talent you've got. Except you sometimes,” he says with a wry chuckle. 

 

Felipe smiles, but it seems distant. “But is not just about me,” he says. “There are many drivers and not so many places to go. If I don't find a place, maybe it will be bad for me. For my mind.” He pauses. Rob thinks he understands what he's saying, but this time, he's not as sure what he can say. “In 2009, when I was recovering, I just wanted to drive,” Felipe goes on. “I could not do anything, I was very frustrated, but I had the dream to be driving in Formula 1 again. I was working for that,” he explains. “But now… I don't know what I am working for,” he says, and his voice sounds young and lost. 

 

Rob feels helpless. He wants to tell Felipe not to worry, everything will be fine, but this is unfamiliar territory, and he can't tell Felipe how he's going to feel. He knows it must be easy for retired sportspeople, still so young, to lose their sense of purpose without a structure to their lives, fall into boredom and depression. But Rob supposes that's where he can help. He hopes.

 

“It might be strange at first, you might find it difficult to adjust,” he admits. “But remember why you're doing this. You want to spend more time with your family and friends, don't you? I know Felipinho will keep you pretty busy,” Rob says, smiling in the hope Felipe will too.

 

He does, but it's the same distracted smile as before. “But…” he falters. “I am not at home so much before, maybe Raffa will not like it,” he says. “Maybe she like it more if I am not at home!”

 

It's another worry that sounds like something they'd joke about, at a different time. But Rob can see that Felipe's in a spiral, every doubt and worry magnified, wondering if he's done the right thing, because there's no going back.

 

Rob tries to keep calm. He wants Felipe to know he's taking him seriously, but at the same time reassure him his worries are only that. “Well, if Raffa wants you out from under her feet, you can come and visit me,” he says lightly. “I've got to be good for something still, haven't I?”

 

Felipe smiles, and for a moment Rob thinks it looks a bit more like it’s from the heart. But then he says, “But then maybe you will be tired of me as well,” and Rob’s not sure how much he’s joking and how much it’s another real worry in Felipe’s mind. 

 

“Well then, I’ll send you back to Raffa,” he says, like it’s obvious, still trying to keep his tone easy. 

 

“Maybe you are tired of me now,” Felipe says, again treading a line between teasing and real worry that Rob can’t quite make out. “You did not say, ‘No Felipe, don’t retire!’”

 

He must definitely be joking now, but Rob’s not going to say anything that might leave even the slightest ambiguity. He chuckles. “Would you have listened to me if I did?” he asks. “I wouldn’t want to give you any advice that you didn’t feel, in your heart, was the right thing to do,” he says. “I’d hate you to feel like you should stay just because people like me thought you should.”

 

Felipe nods, but doesn’t say anything in reply. He looks tired, like he’s got to the end of his train of thought but hasn’t resolved any of it. It’s a lot to handle, and soon he goes back to his own room to sleep. Rob feels pretty worn out himself. This won’t be the last of it, he knows, but if he has to keep saying the same things over and over, he will, if it’ll make Felipe feel better. He hates that he can’t make any promises - he wishes he could say everything will go perfectly smoothly, nothing will change drastically, but even more than that, he wishes Felipe could say it to him as well. Felipe might be worried about becoming aimless at the prospect of a life of leisure, but Rob wasn’t lying when he told Felipe he’d find something - he’s sure he will, and what will that mean for them? What if Felipe is racing in Germany, or Brazil, or Japan? Whatever series Felipe might race in, it’ll take him to places at precisely the times Rob is elsewhere. And then when Felipe's between races, Rob might be anywhere in the world. Rob has been thinking that even if they don't see each other physically, he and Felipe will still talk often, just like they do between races now. But he also knows he's had a fear lurking in his head and his heart that he's pushed away and tried not to think about, and now he can't ignore it any more - maybe this really will change everything, for them together as well as individuals. Maybe Felipe will decide that, with no work commitments in the UK, coming to England just won't be worth it anymore. Even if they chat regularly, maybe it won't be the same as being together. Maybe the calls and the messages will get less frequent, as Felipe gets busy in the new phase of his career. Rob is afraid that his share of Felipe will get smaller and smaller, until eventually it dwindles away to nothing.

 

It wouldn’t even have seemed like a possibility, a month or two ago. But Felipe’s decision has thrown so many aspects of their lives into disarray. Just like Rob couldn't make any promises to Felipe about what might happen next for him, he can't expect any in return about how Felipe might feel in six months or a year. Rob supposes he doesn't know how he himself will feel either, but that thought is just as troubling. Worrying about his job and work motivation is one thing, but he can always get a new job - he's not struggling for money, he's well-qualified, something would work out. That seems like nothing, now he's let himself start to think about this as well. He doesn't want to ever stop feeling the way he does about Felipe, he doesn't want everything he and Felipe have to just fade out of his life. He thinks back to Ibiza, to how perfectly, untouchably happy he felt, and how he thought at first that maybe Felipe’s retirement would mean more opportunities for times like that, just being together with none of the pressures they’ve been under for ten years. 

 

Right now that seems bitterly naive. Rob earnestly tried his best to assuage Felipe’s worries, but his own are completely opposite. Of course they would be. Felipe’s whole life is going to change, in ways he can’t yet predict. He’s afraid, realistically or not, of losing a lot of things, even a part of himself. While he’s coming to terms with it all, Rob knows it would be unfair of him to bring up his own fears, demand reassurances he knows Felipe can’t give. And that’s the problem, isn’t it, because the one thing that Rob is truly afraid of right now, a fear he can feel getting out of proportion and out of hand the more attention he gives to it, is losing Felipe.


End file.
